The Joke Thread

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ArchAngel
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArchAngel » Wed May 30, 2012 11:19 am

Cheesy pun, but it takes the award for the keeping my attention the longest out of all forum posts.
And for making me feel like I need to ponder some things concerning life and humanity.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Chozon1 » Wed May 30, 2012 10:56 pm

The Emperor of Medieval Japan decides it's time to appoint a new Shogun, so he sends out a call to all the greatest Samurai warriors in the land to come and show him their skill and prove their worthiness to become the Shogun.

A week later, a Samurai arrives form the south to demonstrate his skill. He bows to the Emperor, then reaches into his robe and pulls out a small wooden box. He holds the box out, flicks it open, and a housefly buzzes out of it. he watches the fly for a few moments, his hand drifting toward his katana, and then.... slash! The fly drops to the floor, sliced in two. The Emperor is impressed, and waits to see if anyone can top that feat.

The next day, another Samurai arrives from the north to demonstrate his skill. He bows to the Emperor and, like the first Samurai, opens a small wooden box and releases a housefly. He watches the fly for a few moments and then... slash! Slash! The dead fly falls to the floor, quartered. Highly impressed, the Emperor awaits the next applicant.

The following day, a Jewish Samurai arrives to demonstrate his skill. He bows to the Emperor and, as expected, releases a fly. He watched it buzz around a moment and then... slash! Slash! Slash!

But the fly is still buzzing around.

Annoyed, the Emperor glares at the Samurai. "You struck three times and yet the fly lives! Why did you waste my time?"

And the Jewish Samurai simply smiles and says, "Your Majesty, circumcision is not meant to be fatal."
Yep. Just about died laughing.
What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.

A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like crap."
The little old lady said,

"It is.

I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people.
This one too.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Tue Jun 05, 2012 8:09 pm

An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was
feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His
wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I
know he won't ask for directions."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Deepfreeze32 » Tue Jun 05, 2012 8:28 pm

A programmer is relaxing on the beach with his wife. He pulls out a cigarette and lights up. His wife says "Hey, those things will kill you! Don't you read the warnings on the box?"

His response: "Dear, I'm a programmer. I only worry about errors."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Sat Jun 09, 2012 6:25 pm

A group of bikers are riding west on I-74, when they see a pretty looking thing about to jump off a Peoria bridge; so they stopped.


The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide...." she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either. So he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

With no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers and even the State Trooper; then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby neilestuye » Mon Jun 11, 2012 12:22 am

For all the Filipinos.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Mon Jun 11, 2012 6:49 pm

23 Adult Truths

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Blue » Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:45 pm

Lol'd hard at that list

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CountKrazy » Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:48 pm

Cheesy pun, but it takes the award for the keeping my attention the longest out of all forum posts.
And for making me feel like I need to ponder some things concerning life and humanity.
:O
:O
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:19 pm

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.....)


'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!'

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby starwarsman » Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:23 am

These are a few jokes that i really liked in primary school

I still think they are funny



Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

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Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"

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Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

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Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

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Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

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Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A. ME!!!

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Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

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Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

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Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

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Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

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Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

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Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

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Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. Put a little boogey in it!

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Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

A. At the BP station!

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Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

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Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

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Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

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Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A. They don't have the guts.
=)
Spoiler:
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I love doctor who and Starwars!!!!!!!!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:33 pm

What did one snowman say to the other?

"Do you smell carrots?"

----------

What did the cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown?

"Does this taste funny to you?"

----------

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby mebmatt » Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:15 pm

Here's a joke my sister came up with (she thinks it's lame) and wanted me to tell it:

What did Harry Potter's godfather say when people thought he was joking about what happened in the Department of Mysteries?



"I'm dead Sirius."
I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:32 pm

I couldn't help it. I laughed. :lol:
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:41 pm

A cannibal walks down the street and passes his brother.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens


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