The Joke Thread

[Chozon1]

I was like "hmm......."

Then I was like "Oh. Ew. XD"

[ccgr]

A little girl asked her Mum, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mum answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
The Dad answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family
and your father told you about his.."

[Chozon1]

Nice. XD

[mrteapot]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

[mebmatt]

A little girl asked her Mum, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mum answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
The Dad answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family
and your father told you about his.."

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

[epsons]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

I was sure that was going to be an Obama joke. I was literally surprised that it wasn't.

[mebmatt]

Here's a couple jokes I read in a book:

Mother: "Lucy, aren't you going to the birthday party?"
Lucy: "No, mother. The invitation said three to six, and I'm seven."

Father: "Where are you going with that watering can?"
Little boy: "Out to water my garden."
Father: "But it's raining outside."
Little boy: "Don't worry, I'll wear my rain coat."

[008081]

Now if any of these jokes offend anyone I am truly sorry and did not know.
Three men walk into a bar...
You would have thought one of them saw it!!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

How do you sink a submarine full of idiots?
Knock on the door!

Pointless inventions
1) Left handed screwdriver
2) Parachute that opens upon impact
3) Fly screens for submarines
4) Verticle ejection seat for helicopters

[ArcticFox]

LOL

[Noobyhead99]

One day there was a boy who went to an event that was being hosted at a church.
There were plates of food as far as he could see, so he walked up to a plate of particularly delicious looking apples. There was a sign attached to it that said 'Take only one. God is watching'.
The boy looked at another plate that was full of biscuits. He walked up to it and noticed a sign that said 'Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples.'

[Awessomesmithy24]

How do you sink a submarine full of idiots.......?
Knock on the door!!!!!!!

[ArcticFox]

(It's worth noting that in the Latin Alphabet, there ARE 'U's, it's just that they were swapped with 'V's, so this joke still works.)

[Chozon1]

My life.

[ccgr]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over here?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! ,How's
about getting me a cold glass of wine?" He too looked across the restaurant
and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass
of wine. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
disability."

[CountKrazy]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over here?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! ,How's
about getting me a cold glass of wine?" He too looked across the restaurant
and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass
of wine. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
disability."