The Joke Thread

For threads that strayed off topic or never made sense in the first place.
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ArcticFox
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes,

but mostly . . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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ccgr
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got that one in my email yesterday, I think you and my grandma are on the same mailing list! ;) Good one.
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ArcticFox
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That would be a small world indeed! I got those from my former Bishop's E-mail list.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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ArcticFox
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No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting . . .

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"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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ccgr
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cute :)

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Deepfreeze32
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ccgr wrote:cute :)

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lol. Hotlinking disabled.
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ccgr
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oh weird it shows up for me.

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ccgr
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Syksy
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This is an oldie but goodie, clean one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts,
Spoiler:
"Someone stole our tent."
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Chozon1
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Man I love that joke. XD
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Syksy
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Just found this clean prank video (Just for Laughts compilation), it's long but I would've loved more :) hope you like it:



or the url if the above link doesn't work for some reason: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cdkqJN2rxI
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ccgr
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hilarious!!
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ccgr
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop…The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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LegoFan560
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Hilarious!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
Spoiler:
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
@Cheryl: Thanks for a wonderful community. It is a pleasure and honor to be a part of it.

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ArcticFox
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The recession has hit everybody really hard . . .

* My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

* CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

* I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

* If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned
their children's names.

* My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for
it, and they re-possessed her!

* A picture is now only worth 200 words.

* McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

* The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by
Somali pirates.

* When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to
share a room.

*A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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