The Joke Thread

[ArcticFox]

ew.

just.... ew.

[ccgr]

Two Blondes With Hammers....

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[ArcticFox]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .... circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[airpa]

"Looking back on it, .... circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ArcticFox]

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me."

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, "Will the saints in Heaven forgive me -- it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. . . .






I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[ccgr]

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

[ccgr]

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[TripExistence]

A cactus is the opposite of a chair.
A squirrel is the same as a can, if there's a BB gun in my hand.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
Earrings are the same as sneezes, for me. Two is okay but ten in a row is annoying.
Saying I apologize is the same as saying I'm sorry... unless you're at a funeral.
A secret admirer is the same as a stalker, with stationary.
An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie, I liked it at the time but I don't want to see it again.

<3 Demetri Martin

[ccgr]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call ed the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”


Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

[ArcticFox]

[ccgr]

took me while to get it, cute.

[ArcticFox]

[ccgr]

[ccgr]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.


The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas .......

[ArcticFox]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole dang thing!

"But, enough about me, how are you doing?"