The Joke Thread

[Captain_E1]

What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium!

[ccgr]

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

[6K6L]

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

[Elyas123]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[Robin3214]

Have you heard of the new movie constipation, I wouldn't think so that's because it hasn't come out yet.

[Minecrafter123]

I just made up a joke the other day...I think it's funny In Greek mythology, who is the god of children's books? Dr. Zeuss

[Deepfreeze32]

The Lutherans don't acknowledge the authority of the pope. The Presbyterians don't acknowledge the Apocrypha as scripture. Baptists don't acknowledge each other at the liquor store.

[storm]

How is getting into a conversation with a closed minded person, and a fox in a trap the same ?

Once in it becomes obvious you can't open either one. so it's always best to avoid getting in them in first place

[Yolotiger13]

10. Share a joke here. Knock knock whos there ya ya who you like yahoo to

[LAC]

a Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
"Uno.... dos...." *poof*

Spoiler:

he disappeared without a tres

[JMC]

What can you grow when you cross a pine tree and apple tree together?

Pineapples!!! LOL

[Zeck]

Wireless technology

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were already using wireless technology."

[ccgr]

How To Wash A 'Puddy-Tat' Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom. 'Nice kitty, Nice puddy-tat'

3. In one smooth movement, jam the cat in the toilet water and
close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-
wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and
quickly lift the lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,
The Dog

[JesusIsLord713]

Umm suuure I will do that if I get a cat...

[LegoFan560]

Why can't a T-Rex clap his hands?

Spoiler:

Did you think it was because his arms were too short? Nope!
He's extinct!