The Joke Thread

[ArcticFox]

I may have told this one on here before, so if it seems familiar forgive me.

In the middle of the night the Pope is awakened by his assistant.

"What's going on!?!?!?"
"Your Holiness, I have some good news and some bad news!"
"Alright well what's the good news?"
The assistant grins happily. "The Lord Jesus Christ has returned to the Earth!"
The Pope jumps out of bed, thrilled! He starts getting dressed when he stops. "Wait... what could the bad news possibly be?!?!?!"

The Assistant nervously says

Spoiler:

The call came from Salt Lake City.

*Note: This joke is reversible for our Catholic friends. Y'all Protestants will just have to ride this one out

[ArchAngel]

This reminds me a scene from the South Park movie, which, for the life of me, I can't find, but it's a scene where a bunch of people are getting orientation to hell from a mild mannered guide. The Christians and the Catholics start getting upset, asking why they're in hell until someone finally asks what the right answer was. The guide, pauses, reads the manual and responds, "Ahh, yes, the mormons. The mormons was the right answer." The crowd lets a moderately disappointed "aww."

[ArcticFox]

Haha yeah that's the one where Satan is still pining for Saddam Hussein. I believe that episode came out shortly after the theatrical movie.

[ArchAngel]

Ahh, good call. I mix them all up.

[ccgr]

Long life Oatmeal...

A tough old cattleman from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, and then she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a massive 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

[jdorjuna]

This is awesome!!!

[Padleah]

This is too funny!!!

BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly and said, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Gobble! Gobble!! Gobble!!!!

[Deepfreeze32]

Two German air force officers are discussing Airships. We'll call them Hans and Heinrich.

Hans: "I don't know, Heinrich. I just don't feel so sure about hydrogen as a lifting gas for our Zeppelins."

Heinrich: "Did you hear what happened to the last Luftwaffe officer who thought that? He took a train from Berlin to Paris and died in an accident."

Hans: "I didn't hear that! What happened to the train?"

Heinrich: "A flaming Zeppelin crashed into it"

[CRCBrony]

LOL

I don't get it.

[CRCBrony]

Ooh, Ooh, I have one.

So Henry decided to show Bob his new chili recipe with some of it to try.

So, Bob said: "Mmm, this chili looks good."

Then Henry said: " Why don't you try some of it?"

So, that's what Bob did. He took a spoon full of chili and ate it and said: " This chili has insect in it."

Henry: " I know, I know, I'm still working out the BUGS in the chili."

GET IT? BUGS? LOL!!!

[Dj icewolf 360]

I DONT KNOW ANY GOOD JOKES, OK . man thats awkward.....

[CRCBrony]

I DONT KNOW ANY GOOD JOKES, OK . man thats awkward.....

Don't feel bad, man. I didn't think my joke was good either. You don't have to know any good joke anyways. Who needs 'em?

[Luxen]

A few choice horse jokes I have relatives who are farmers, what can I say?

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Nice and short. Now for a dirty joke:

A horse falls in mud.

Alright, now for a clean joke:

The horse who fell in the mud got a bath.

I know, you're saying that my jokes are a bit corny. What can I say, I grew up next to a corn field.

[MizzSuz]

Why couldn't the Miner get to his Diamonds? Some Thing was Blocking his way!

[MizzSuz]

How Good is Minecraft? Top-Notch!